Angelfallen89

There are so many things I wish I could make you understand but there's a huge part of me that thinks that your comprehension is broken that you're understanding is retired and that's something I just can't be around I let you walk all over me about a lot of things in the past you used me to your advantage knowing very well how I felt about you and though I probably will always have a huge spot for you in my heart I can no longer hold that in my life it's my fault for reaching out so for that I am sorry to you and myself you probably won't read all this but I'm still going to write it out as in a way to therapeutically let goof you I fell in love with you and I told you multiple times and I understand that you're allowed to not have feelings back and I understand that there are things that I've done that could also be seen as manipulative and for that I am also sorry though I couldn't name all of them right now I feel as though in my heart you saw that you could use me and I feel like that hit a light bulb in your mind , the only thing that I occasionally wish I could have manipulated unfortunately was how you felt about me that's something I've had to work through that is a person I no longer am I no longer wish for someone to love me the way I deserve to be loved unnaturally Ive experienced now that there are plenty of people out there that love me naturally and unmanipulatively which is inevitably one of the many reasons I see things the way I see them now I don't hate who I was back then Ive just learned things moved forward and realize there was a lot of narcity that I dealt with when dealing with you again I'm not saying I was perfect I know I'm not but the way I was treated by you was unexcusable at certain points there was a part of me that new that I was getting used thought I deserved it then there was another part of me that's saw a part of you that I believe really did see me and truly appreciated parts of myself that I didn't always appreciate myself and maybe that's more so what I fell in love with about you. I did believe you had some beautiful parts but now when it comes to you I don't know what was false and what was true I feel there was so much miscommunication done purely too confuse me and use me and though I don't think you're completely a horrible terrible person I do believe you knew what you were doing and I think you believed I would never figure out what you were doing i was asleep 😴 she's awake now honey I think the reason I reached out to you originally was because there was some part of me that got confused with dreams and reality sometimes dreams feel very real but I remember where I am and who you are in this demention n sometimes I think you did love me even though you pretended to not understand maybe you didn't understand sometimes I know now I can be very confusing but I don't think you were as confused as you wanted me to think I do think you're very complex but I am also very complex there were times where I think you wanted to think I wasn't I don't think I'll ever understand that sometimes I think you and me use to argue over who was more knowledgeable just to see who had the biggest knowledge dick I understand that never being properly could have effects on you terrible ones so how could you properly love somebody else make sense in the long run so does the way you acted the narcissism the lies the control the manipulation you've experienced so much of that in your life how could you not adapt it into your adulthood I do feel sorry for you but I'd be ignorant and foolish to let you back into my life especially when you ask for forgiveness over things you can't even point out to me and directly say what they were I feel like you can't even pull out one true thing that you are actually sorry for maybe one day you can prove me wrong but for now for my mental health I have to let you go truly deeply it's been one of the hardest things for me to do though I do hate admitting that I have someone who loves me and though I don't always understand their way of loving me they don't leave me and they put effort in you would put effort in then leave me like a scared little boy I used to think I'd be so lucky I to have you in a particular way in my life now I realize it was you that would be lucky I am enough I'm special I am unique in my own way those are things you used to tell me I wasn't and then backtrack and say youd never say those things maybe you really honestly don't realize the things you do and if that's the case you should be very scared for yourself because if you can't comprehend the things you do to other people and you just brush it off like it's something that they thought and was not real it's going to cause a lot of drama for you in your life I think partially it has I crave purity ,honesty , and truth now in a way i never did before you so I can say thank you for that I suppose

Twisted paths and tangled dark hallways mangled in agony and distrust comfort for the uncomfortable ease for the uneasy I do not betray in my mind for I love with my heart fully to its capacity But I see my faults in others I see how they feel I understand where they come from mentally even though I know they don't believe I do I do not want to cause pain nor do I wish to cause panic I myself am all to easily alarmed I pine for truth I pine for beauty And I want it all I need more time to develope And find my footing I'm a lover of love and attention I do not claim perfection All though I am looking Changing rearranging What I can to be better do better Achive better life is to short to sit in doubt reach for the rainbow Touch the stars But most of all find truth in everything you do